The Lecture - 2:1

[postlink]http://diaphragmblues.blogspot.com/2009/09/lecture-21.html[/postlink]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMl8yrI9maAendofvid
[starttext]


Lights come up on Professor Mary Margaret Reynolds (AKA Dr. Legs), a professor of “compareology” and a part time OBGYN. Professor Reynolds is giving a lecture comparing “The Diaphragm Verses the Taco from Taco Bell.”



“The Lecture.”


PROFESSOR MARY MARGARET REYNOLDS/ AKA Dr. LEGS

Now then, my name is professor Mary Margaret Reynolds, and I am so very pleased to see such a large turn out for this lecture: “The Diaphragm verses a Taco from Taco Bell.“ I’ve been racking my brain as to the most plausible, practical, and precise way to explain the differences and similarities between the taco from Taco Bell and the diaphragm. Now then, let’s see, where to start! Ah yes, at the beginning. 

Let’s make sure we have everything we need: The diaphragm, spermicide jelly, a taco shell, the innards, sauce and of course the wrapping and bag. Good! Good! 

Now then, the diaphragm verses the taco from Taco Bell! This is quite exciting wouldn’t you agree! First let us observe, exhibit “A,” the taco from Taco Bell. Now, if you would, notice the shape of the Taco. The curved bottom sending one half of the taco to stand horizontally next to it’s other half. In preparing the taco, we first put in the cooked ground beef or beans, whichever is your preference. Some lettuce. Tomato, and finally the spicy taco sauce. We then wrap the taco in a paper and place it in the Taco Bell bag with some napkins and extra sauce. Say, have you tried their new Double Decker Taco. You should! It’s quite delicious.

Finishes Putting the taco together and places it in a bag.

There now, not to difficult and quite tasty if I may add! So, are there any questions about the Taco? No? Well Good! On we go then. Away, away, away, far away to diaphragm land! Now the diaphragm, you see, is a round, rubber piece with a rim made out of firm but flexible material. You see, you can bend it every which way and when you let go of it, the diaphragm will resume its original state. Of course if you were to try and do this to the taco shell, one can see that flexibility does not exist. Breakage, you see. 

Now, for the second part of this comparison, I had asked the conference organizers to provide a live subject for the demonstration of the diaphragm insertation process, only to be confronted with a firm NO. Apparently that would cross the line between academic rigor and “taste.” I tried to confront this problem with a nice set of mannequin legs only to be rebuffed by the lack of anatomically correct mannequins. This has left me no choice but to break the number one rule of science, and to experiment upon myself. To satisfy our distinguished confidence organizers, great care will be taken for this portion of the demonstration.

First you take the sperm jelly and place a small amount, like a quarter in the cup of the diaphragm. Then you take your finger and rub some of the jelly-like substance onto the outer rim. There! 

The professor props her feet up, and she starts the demonstration. 

Now you bend the diaphragm into the shape of a taco and insert it into the vagina, all, all, all the way up to the uterus. If you will notice, one other difference between the taco and the diaphragm is that you eat one, while inserting the other. I sternly suggest that you be careful not to confuse the opposing orifices. The result could be disastrous! 

As the Professor start the demonstration, a sign reading “censored” and “rated R” blocks the view of all action. Beeps are heard over the more touchy parts of the speech.

The diaphragm then slips up into the correct spot protecting the female from unwanted pregnancy. Now then, eight to twenty-four hours after sex, it is time to take the diaphragm out. First a finger is inserted into the vagina, and then you hook the diaphragm like a fish and pull it out! There! Of course, the first time I tried to insert the diaphragm it took approximately 45 minutes – 

Sign removed and we see the Professor again

By which time my mate had fallen into a deep slumber. Odd really, men understand more about the mating season of deer than they do about women — but I’ll save that subject for another compareology on “Men on the hunt VS women on the rag!” So now you know the differences and similarities between the taco from Taco Bell and the diaphragm! The shapes are similar, each requires sauce, and each must be placed into some sort of containing space. Of course, it’s much easier to take the taco out of the taco bell bag then it is to take the diaphragm out of a woman, but then life does have its ups and downs! 

Bon appetité!

The Professor starts to pick up the taco and eat while the lights dim.

[endtext]